One Way
Ticket To
Love
The transition of the happiest moment in your life becoming one of the hardest to bare sucks all of the life from your heart. October 4th, 2010 is when our our relationship officially began and took off in a different level of experiences I was never exposed to. Elizabeth wanted to make memories with us, document stepping stones, and display affection that I never knew. These experiences I took for granted and didn’t understand. Our relationship had issues to overcome but praise was given to one another on how great we worked together. The amount of work, support and love that is given from her made it special. I just wasn’t catching up with how special it really is.
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After 4 years of dating, marriage conversations started to come up. These conversations started out as uncomfortable to me because I was never exposed to this level of commitment as a kid and pretty much through my adult life. My grandparents were the only couple that I knew that had a “good” marriage and that’s only from the outside looking in. So, to me the conversation of marriage just made me a little hesitant on the next level. I didn’t understand during those conversations that I was basing my relationship on everyone else’s experience and not forming my own life. I only gave my attention to my own feelings and disregarded how Elizabeth felt. Elizabeth feels marriage is a devotion to one another in front of God. She wants our children to grow up in a marriage household. Her definition of marriage is different than what I was exposed to. Marriage means continuous work on self and other, it should never feel normal or stale, be selfish to grow marriage but help your partner when they fall behind, and communicate not as to persuade but to agree. Elizabeth is too important to me, so I shifted my process to share priorities and love instead of separate thoughts.
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August 19, 2015, I asked Elizabeth to be my wife which was full of fear and excitement. Smiling Skies is the reflection of our engagement that is beautifully stained in my memory. October 4, 2016 we got married and it was the best shared decision we have ever made. If I knew being married to Elizabeth was going to be this amazing and almost fictional compared to my understanding, I would have married this woman years ago. We grew together constantly and always set new goals that we strived to conquer. Something changed about how I connected to her and brought excitement to my life. We married each other and the life we formed will not fail. This was different than anything I’ve felt before. I could picture us forever, happy, and I couldn’t understand what I did before without this fulfillment that she has shown me.
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October 4, 2021 I welcomed my wedding anniversary with a hung head and tears in my eyes. I didn’t want to wake up or get out of bed but I had to for Ryan. Staying up until midnight to be the first to celebrate is no more. No more smiling face that whispers, ”I love you”. No tradition anniversary present that makes me have to be creative. This year I got her a wooden plaque with our wedding song engraved in it. October 4, 2021 is 11 years together and 5 amazing years married. A day that once had so much love and laughter now has so many mixed emotions. This year my life was flipped upside down and I had no idea what to do without the feeling of fulfillment. I didn’t know what to do or think. I just wanted to go back in time and regain my happiness and love. I wanted to take Ryan to where her mother and I got married. I reached out to Nicoleson’s Pub around a week earlier about touring the event space on October 4th. They are closed on Mondays so my hopes were diminishing but they agreed to help me accomplish my plans.
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After waking up, I held Ryan and was overcome with sadness. We slowly rolled out of bed and started to get ready for the day. I had no energy for the day but had to try. We went to DIY Pottery to paint together and just have some quiet time making a memory. Ryan painted a cupcake and I painted 3 little pigs. After a few hours it was time to take Ryan to Nicoleson’s. Walking up to the front entrance, my heart was consumed by stress, love, sadness, and joy. I was dizzy from the emotion tornado but my daughter’s face, covered with excitement and adventure made me continue this new memory. We walked up the stairs and I showed Ryan where her mother and I danced and said “I do”. I could see my wife’s smile all over again, twirling in her princess dress and loving every moment.
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My friend arrived with a camera in hand and a general idea of what I wanted. Ryan was wearing a beautiful turquoise dress and her braided hair was held by her mother’s hairpin from the wedding. It was adorable to watch as she was soaking up the attention and putting on her display of poses. I brought my wife’s wedding dress with us to take some pictures also. Elizabeth talked about Ryan and her dress a few times and she was more than willing to snap a few photos in a big dress and necklace that belongs to her mother. She had a constant smile on her little face. It was like that spot and that day is Elizabeth and Ryan’s happy place. I squeezed back into my wedding tux and took some photos with the little princess and continued to let Ryan know that it was a special day and has a special meaning to dad. My mind raced the whole time and I couldn’t stop thinking of how I had a glimpse of perfection in my life but it was taken from me. My mind and emotions were splitting with confusion that I couldn’t process. Time sped up to 4pm while in my daze and we had to get out things to leave. “I’ll be back to this spot again”, is what I told myself. I’m blessed to have people in my life that my wife put there. I couldn’t have fulfilled this day alone. This is my forever anniversary and I want to make memories and keep it special.
I have no idea if remaking memories and writing more on Elizabeth’s blog is helping anything, but I am trying to give Ryan as much of my memory as I can about how special her mother is. Writing is hard and painful, celebrating things I used to be happy about is hard and painful, but I want to tell my daughter that her mother and I have so much together and it can’t be broken. I’m doing what I can because I can’t get what I want and instead of getting what I want, I’m just getting by.
